boys versus girls—switch!—now it’s girls versus boys. we all played it--are still playing it. or, what about the tension in the elevator and no one knows each other and it is hard to say something, but then, they get off at their floor and you never see them again. but you remember them, even now. why? or that first time you laid naked next to your love, your first awareness of the power of that kind of intimacy?
but, your lover betrayed you. you undressed yourself in every way for them, the most humbling gift you’ve ever given, and, they just look back you, blankly, coolly. you realize that the passion between you wasn’t even intense enough to devolve into hate. maybe she is the woman who is the mother of your child, but now is a disfigured soul manipulating you, haunting you, fucking up your life as best she can. maybe he is the man who wrote you a love letter every day for a year, and then never said a word to you again when you got pregnant.
maybe it’s the love that faded like a paper heart in the window, sunlight bathing it day after day until you can’t read it anymore. even the sweetest rituals can pale to nothing. who is to blame? the sun or the heart?
so many ways to love and be loved. it can be so hard.
my love passed away last year. but, christopher clark, you are with me to this day. i learned so much from you. how to be strong, how to be cool, how to be alive, how to be dead. how to fuck things up, and then fuck them up more and more and more and more. how to be fearless, set fires, be forgiving, be generous, be myself and love myself. how to take the beating of a lifetime and then stand up, brush my shoulders off, and walk through the world with a sweet and open heart. how to be friends. and, of course, how to love. all this from you is with me always.
my readers, if you are not lucky enough to have a lover today, remember that love is infinite, love is timeless. it’s always changing, it’s always moving. when love comes into your heart, it will surely change shape, and it may leave you. such is love. we can’t own it. we can only recognize it, channel it, cultivate it, and be grateful when our lives are so blessed. sometimes, we can shape it. but not always.
but, if your heart is open, love can always come in, and it will. i promise.
happy valentine’s day.